Always interesting what lent will teach a person....
Since ash Wednesday, I have been thinking about my spiritual life and health. If you haven't, there's still time before holy week - jump in! The great thing about Lent is that it gives one the chance to jump back in to the spiritual life, or at least refocus one's thoughts upon it. Some years have been better than others in terms of sacrifice, prayer, almsgiving & fasting, and I will admit that this year has so far been a smattering of prayer and spiritual reading.... but I have been given a great gift.
On the day before Ash Wednesday, I went looking for the book that would be my lenten companion this year, Henri Nouwen's The Return of the Prodigal Son, and in the search process, found another of Nouwen book in my collection, along with an email from 12 years ago that I had printed out and saved.... In the email, I was realizing that I had been lax in a committment that I made, and that I was being called back to it. I had made the committment in a "happy, joyful, 'I can do this'" kind of way, and at that moment I realized that I was being called to keep the committment, even though it had become a difficult, almost burdensome thing to continue.
And then re-reading, The Return of the Prodigal Son, I realized that I am often an observer of the spiritual life. Yes, I participate in it, and I am often drawn deeply into the spiritual depths (my terms, not sure if it is really deep, or just my imagination) but when it becomes too deep, I panic, and not wanting to drown, I just float back to shallow water.... I look back at where I have been and think, "I really want to be back at that spiritually aware/alive place again", or perhaps I see someone that I admire, and I want to be where they are, so I wade back into the spiritual life again. If I just stay constant, perhaps there won't be all of this going back and forth?
So putting all of this together, and talking to Fr B. yesterday, I realized that this has been my pattern for a long time. I make committments, perhaps even over committments, with the thought that "I can do this" or "This will be fun" and for a time it is fun, and I can do it, whatever it is, but if I am not constant in my doing, or being, it is not possible to continue.
This is perhaps why marriage is such a struggle for so many - the committment is made at a time when it appears easy. We are young, our lives are full of promise, we share a common vision of family life, good health, energy, companionship. And then the daily routine of committment sets in. The committment of taking care of each other, even when we ourselves are tired, ill or disagreeable. The task at hand is mundane and overlooked, unappreciated. And yet, every day, we are called to renew and remember the committment. I married my husband so that I could take care of him and be cared for by him. I married him so that I could make breakfast even though I would like to sleep for 25 more minutes. He married me so that he could go to work and earn a living to support us, even though he might like to take a day off. We married each other so that we could do good things together and be a witness of Christ's love, present in the world. We were given the gift of a child. Now the committment includes caring for each other, the child and the larger community.
The original committment is still there, and daily, I am called to remember it. And it works because I know that I honor my committment and I know that my husband honors it as well.
And that is the beauty of this reflection for me..... the committments I have kept have borne great fruit. The ones I have been less than faithful to have been less fruitful, or have faded out of my general day to day awareness.
The committment I was struggling with 12 years ago was the one I had made to pray for priests. I made the committment in 1999. I felt called to pray. I still feel called to pray. I pray the rosary frequently (sometimes daily, usually at least weekly) and on the Hail Mary beads I remember priests. I started a list, and it has grown over the years, it continues to grow. The fruit that the prayer gave me was that when my family was in need of a priest for my father, we had not one, but seven to come and visit him while he was in the hospital. We also had three deacons! I wouldn't go so far as to say that these priests came to us only because of my prayer, but I certainly believe that God cannot be outdone in generosity, and that we were blessed with more prayer and support than I could have imagined before everything happened.
The commitment that I work through every day is my vocation to being a wife and mother. And it is bearing good fruit. We have been married nearly 10 years (June 15th if anyone is taking notes) and we lack for nothing.
The committment I struggle with daily is just to be faithful to prayer and care for myself. It is so easy to just be slack, to make excuses. I cannot exercise today because.... I don't want to brush my teeth, I want to go to sleep..... I can't clear the table, coffee table, lamp table, any other flat spot because..... And I know now, after talking to Fr B., praying, reading and thinking about what I am called to, and what I have committed to, that in order for me to grow in holiness, I must accept and fulfill my committment. If I live up to the Yes that I give daily to being married, mother and child of God, then I won't be overwhelmed by what must be done.
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