Current Lamentation

I just want my life back.

You know, the one before December 30th.

Before I had to care for a family that had just lost their sweet baby at term, before delivery.

Before my immune system decided to revolt. I got THE CRUD on January 1st, and was battling it pretty intensely when....

Before dad had his stroke.

Before dad died.

Before every week included someone in my house with a fever, vomit, and / or diarrhea.

I want my ordinary complaints back:
I want to be able to complain that I have too much housework, or laundry, or cooking, or knitting or gardening to do. That I eat out too often. None of those complaints matter any more.

I want my immune system back. The one that gave me allergies, and didn't let me get sick.

I believe this lamentation will be short term.... the crisis has passed. My patient's baby died, dad had a stroke lived for a little more than two weeks and then he died. The funeral happened. The burial happened. Now I am working on getting back to the ordinary life of the living. I get up, I get Mark's breakfast, see Mark off to work, I get a shower, I get dressed, I get Paul up, get him dressed, we eat breakfast, I take him to school. Some mornings I go to mass, some mornings I run errands, some mornings I come home and figure out what to do with myself. I get together with mom. I help mom with the business of living after someone you love dies.... we have been to the bank, the VA, the board of elections.... we think about dad, we talk about dad, we miss dad. We think about dinner. I go grocery shopping, I pick Paul up from school, we do homework, we read, I fix dinner. We eat together.

Somehow I keep moving, but I really don't want to move.

In the midst of all of this, somehow, I managed to get THE CRUD again. The one that causes the sinuses to swell and then breathing and swallowing are impaired and then coughing up green chunks of goo commences. It's a minor irritation in the grand scheme of things, but it feels like the cherry on top of everything else.

Can someone please help me reset the clock? I have lost my hold on what day it really is and how time works. There are moments when I hear a particular song, smell a certain food, complete some small task, that I just ache for my dad to be here with me. And I know he IS here in spirit, but I miss him in person. And was it yesterday we were opening Christmas presents? I just got to use the present mom and dad gave me for the first time at the end of February..... strange to wait nearly 2 months! to wear new scrubs, but I was not at work.

Time is such a mush right now. Before the stroke is a blur, a distant memory. The phone call that awoke me to dad's stroke is just below the surface, and then the days of constant vigilance at the hospital are all blended together, like a miniature movie that plays on loop over and over... And then it ends. And the projectionist turns off the movie and we leave the theater to a reality that has totally changed.

I am essentially the same person, but I am fundamentally changed.

I know that grief will pass. That it will somehow become comfortable, like my favorite pair of slippers and I won't notice it as much. It won't envelope me. Today, it is everywhere I want to be and I don't want to share my space with it. Oh well. It just is.

If I can get past THE CRUD, I will go running. Maybe on Wednesday.... Definatley not today.
I am up to week 3 of the 8 week Couch to 5K program.... Dad would be happy for me. I was thinking about asking him to join me, but I remembered that he HATED running, even though he had to run for 20 years in the military.

Really, if I could figure out how to reset the clock to December 29th, I would. I would not have said yes to working on December 30th. I might not have had THE CRUD on January 1. I don't know if it would have changed one iota of what happened next, and certianly, I have no regrets about how we cared for dad or kept vigil with him.

What now, I suppose it all gets recycled into prayer.... I give it back to God and HE graces me with what I need for this day. Which is.... a renewed sense of humor, a little more energy, to get over THE CRUD once again, a prayer for peace for my family and for our world.