First some background, over the last few months I have been struggling with tasks that are in my daily life. Some of the tasks are the mundane, ordinary stuff of life - doing laundry, washing dishes, cooking, exercise.
One task of particular struggle and self-wrestling has been prayer.
It is odd, really. I have never particularly thought I was "good" at prayer. I pray. It just is. I go to mass as often as I can and rejoice at times when I can get to daily mass on a daily basis. One of the reasons I love that Paul goes to school is that I can then get to daily mass right after I drop him off (assuming we are ON TIME / early to drop off). So far, for kindergarten and first grade, this has been true. I have been a fan of daily mass since I was 12. When I was 12, we lived within walking distance of the base chapel and there was a daily mass. Monday through Friday, I would go to the library to volunteer in the morning and then get off from that and walk to the chapel for mass before going home for lunch. It was cool. I was the only non-adult in the chapel.
I have had a devotion to the rosary even farther back than that. I started praying the rosary probably about the time of first communion. I remember they taught us the rosary during second grade, and there was a beautiful little statue of the BVM that was shared in the class - everyone got to take it home for a week.... except for me - I got it for two weeks because I "forgot" to bring it back. Oops.... and I wasn't even holding the BVM hostage for some great grace! When I was in my late 20's, I was praying the rosary on a regular basis when I was travelling - something comforting about holding Mary's hand when you take off in an airplane..... And I had a dear friend who was becoming a priest who asked me to pray for him, and then I was praying the rosary and one thing and another and I started praying the rosary intentionally for priests. One priest for each Hail Mary. I started a list. It turns out I knew many priests. More priests than I thought I knew. "The list" has the priests I've known, some I've known of, some I have been asked to pray for. Some priests I don't pray for by name - if I didn't get the name when I went someplace, then the place becomes the intention - ie For That Priest we met when we went to Pittsburgh....
The desire to pray the rosary has ebbed and flowed. I guess that is also part of life. And occasionally, the rosary has become a gift that I give - for example when Fr John Wall celebrated his 50th anniversary of ordination, I prayed the rosary specifically for him, for 50 days.
The thing is, I just prayed. No one told me to do it. I just did it. Well, I take that back.... the summer before my sister Mary was born, my family prayed the rosary together every night after dinner. Monday through Friday ... I don't recall weekends, but we probably did... And there was no grumbling allowed. We ALL prayed it. Together. That's how I learned the Memorare and the Hail Holy Queen..... So perhaps my parents made me do it. But then that summer was over, Mary was born, my mom's job changed, my dads' job changed and we never got back to it. But I had been hooked - I carried a rosary around with me pretty frequently. I thought about praying it. I did pray it on occasion on the way to mass, or before mass started if we somehow managed to get there early. I went to college with a devotion to the BVM.... when a rosary group started, I was there more often than not....
Back to the late 20's/early 30's.... I promised myself that I would try to pray the rosary every day. I would make an earnest effort. And generally, I am not sure how well I did, but I know that I still have the list, I still pray for priests. I pray the rosary more often than I don't. I think.
And then dad died.
I did pray the rosary through his hospitalization and death and burial. I prayed it at his bedside. I prayed it with my sisters.
And then he was gone.
And grief has done strange things to me. I suppose it is a normal experience to realize that everything has changed. And yet, nothing is different.
Going to mass became a grace filled moment, but all the energy in me drained out of my toes and I just felt tired. Was I resting in God's presence? I can only hope so. Reading daily mass readings - out the window. Praying the rosary - meh. Praying anything with any frequency - not really.
Enter Fr B. who asked me what I would do, and I responded that I didn't know.... and so he charged me with praying the rosary. Daily. period. And to report back to him how I did (he kept me accountable to myself and to him as my spiritual director).
OK.
So I did. Mostly. But I worked it into my life. It wasn't a priority, it was a TO DO. It was an assignment. Some days better than others - I particularly liked running and praying the rosary at the same time.... I felt like dad was with me - along with all the angels and saints, cheering me on.
And after seven months, I am still more successful than not, but struggling with HOW I am praying it. I have shifted from praying it quietly by myself to listening to a pod-cast and praying along. Sometimes I remember priests on each Hail Mary, sometimes I just listen to the pod cast. And I have lost the desire to pray it. Sort of. Those words seem harsh. But I have lost something.....
And so I was charged to pray the first decade by myself before turning on the podcast or doing anything. But that was harder - because I couldn't bring myself to not be up and about, I just chose NOT to do it.
And then this week, I was charged not only with praying it daily, but with praying it FIRST. Before the rest of the day begins. And praying it without distraction. Don't move. Don't cook breakfast / wash dishes or do anything else. For one week.
Really?
Really.
And I am, but in my own way... still using the pod cast, still getting up and making breakfast and washing dishes and packing lunch.
And I am kicking and screaming (mentally) all the way.
Then it hit me this morning.... I thought back to Fr John Wall and the days of campus ministry.... He once advised me to not do anything unless I wanted to do it AND I was doing it because I loved God. Just stop. Period. Once I "quit" campus ministry (it lasted about 24hrs) I was able to shift from feeling like I had been assigned to do something to feeling like I had chosen to do it. And I did more.
I want to write that I am going to quit praying the rosary, but I cannot in good consciene bring myself to say those words and mean it. But mentally, that is what I am doing. I am going to quit because it has been assigned to me and I am refusing the assignment. And then I am going to think about it, pray about it and make the choice. To pray. With a better attitude.
What have I learned out of all of this kicking and screaming?
1. God is patient.
2. He doesn't want us to come kicking and screaming. He wants us to freely choose to follow Him. He will wait for us to get our heads and hearts in order.
3. My house is much like my prayer life. I think I already knew this.... when my prayer life / interior life is in order, the rest of my life seems to follow suit. But here is the crux of the whole issue - is what I am doing a CHOICE or an ASSIGNMENT? Am I choosing to do what needs to be done because I know it is what needs to be done and I do it out of love, or am I feeling like it is an assignment and I am balking at it (ie "You - go clean your room/clear the table/do laundry/do whatever needs to be done) and I do it but unwillingly.
4. Fr B. is giving me the assignment out of love, knowing already that if I get my interior life in order, my exterior will follow suit...
So I am off to continue the struggle. I suppose that is the other part of this equation - if we are no longer struggling, we are no longer alive.
And lest you think I am only complaining and not seeing any good come of this - one of the things that Fr B. required of me to put down during the rosary was my smart phone. One of the BEST directions I could have been given. Truly, listening to / praying along with a pod-cast and checking email/FB at the same time is NOT productive in any stretch of the imagination.
Now to pray the rosary FIRST. Before moving, before doing anything else. Can I? Will I? I'll report back later.
P.S. Many thanks go to Sandra G. for helping me hash all of this out. Your insight and friendship is an incredible gift and I am so thankful that we are friends.
Thanks also to Fr B. for being patient.
