A Choice, not an assignment, Part II

So when I wrote Part I of this (November 2012) I was at the point of making a choice.  And I did make a choice: to do nothing. 

I have very successfully done nothing for all this time.  Sure, I went to mass every Sunday (I still do) and I made it to daily mass many days/week and to adoration on Fridays.... But I was going through motions.  I was praying, but not giving my heart to God.... I was talking, but not listening for very nearly a year.

As I did nothing, life swirled around me.  And I began to no longer see myself as the protagonist in my own life story.  Life was acting on me, I wasn't really acting in my life.  And I was working hard to ignore the people around me who were calling me to accountability with myself.

And then it happened.  I was called to task for being late.  Not just once, but many times.  Perhaps since November of 2012?  Then,  I identified that I was no longer swimming in deep spiritual water, and was kindly told that I was no longer in the swimming pool, I was standing on the deck, pondering the grill.  Mostly, I laughed.  But as I shared the story, the sting of reality began to get to me... And analysis of the situation began to become clear, not to me, but to another truth teller in my life. 

Long and short of it... I need to pay attention to the blessings in my life and work on being grateful for what I have.  I've spent too much time and energy complaining about what I am missing/lacking.
I've used so much time and energy complaining, I've become accustomed to complaining.  Sometimes, the complaints are disguised as story telling, it can be quite amusing.  And it HAS been amusing, otherwise I wouldn't do it.  I have a basic understanding of why writers and comedians do what they do.  It is satisfying to tell a story and get a response, any response.  Perhaps that is why I write here... in the hopes of getting a response.  Of course, I only have one follower......

As I have become more blind & deaf to hear the good things happening around me, prayer has become a burden.  I've prayed, but it was words, I am sure it was not a two way conversation.... I told God what I wanted and I waited, but I didn't listen.

So what has changed?  I've started a "gratitude journal".  It's a short, one line a day of what I am thankful for.  So far I have started it with, Today, I am thankful for......
And I have worked to listen at prayer... leading to tears, remorse and understanding.   I am working on being patient with myself.  I am working on listening to God.  I am working on humbling myself and listening.  I am working on loving the creation that God has given me in the being of myself.

The grace I have been given?  The burden of prayer has been lifted once again.... I wake up, ready to pray the rosary.  I may not pray it immediately, but it is happening (without the ipod / podcast) within the first few hours of the day.  I am not complaining about having to take care of my family, my house, my dog.... I am beginning to recognize being needed as a grace.  And that working for my family is a grace that I have been given.  Is my house cleaner?  Perhaps a little bit, maybe recognizable to others...  Is the clutter gone?  The mental clutter is being packed up, the physical clutter cannot be far behind.

The grace I have been given?  Recalling St Francis exhortation to prayer.... Pray first thing in the morning and last thing at night.  It is as if you are opening the blinds to let the sunshine in first thing in the morning, and closing the blinds tightly at night to keep out the darkness.  And I am ready / willing to pray again...

The grace I have been given?  Yesterday evening I wanted to go to mass and nearly didn't go because of activity at home.... then I realized I could get us to mass, or I could complain about not going (and be grumpy).  I mobilized the activity at home and we MADE IT to mass.... and what I heard convicted me once again... the gospel reading talked about how the servant who knows the master's command and refuses will be beaten, while the servant who knows the masters command and follows may be beaten, but not as severely.  Where have I been?  Firmly in the not following directions camp.

So, even though I might be struggling with the idea of a gratitude journal as a crazy, way too simple idea, I am beginning to see the fruits of gratitude...

More to come later, I am sure.

Meanwhile, many thanks for your truth telling and patience. 

Rejoice with Me

Last Friday and Saturday, I was blessed to be able to attend the Eucharistic Congress in Charlotte, NC.  For more info, see here: http://www.goeucharist.com/

My DS attended the congress on Saturday, and was able to take in the children's track.  Between the children's track and the AMAZING mass on Saturday evening, we were able to go shopping.  Every year we seem to buy one more Rosary.  How many is too many any way?  The one he wanted was an beautiful gold filigree bead rosary from Italy.  The one he got was a beautiful yellow light catching beaded rosary from Italy.  One was $60, the one he got was considerably less.

But I lose sight of why I am rejoicing (not the saving money).....

So, now that he has a rosary that he likes, he asked if we could pray the rosary together every day on the way to school!  On Monday, we made it through the beginning and the first two decades of joyful mysteries together.  Tuesday, we forgot until we were lined up in the carpool line to jump out of the car (too late) .  Today, we picked up where we left off (on joyful mysteries) and prayed the third decade together.

It just makes my heart smile.

I am going to enjoy this while I can, since going to Sunday school and mass are still a weekly point of struggle.  We go, he struggles.  Apparently, there are graces coming through that are greater than I can see or hear or sense on my own!

Learning to Unlearn Crazy Making

I have learned something humbling and horrible today.

I have become my mother.

Not that my mother is a bad person, or a bad influence or anything really terrible, it's just that there are qualities of hers that I had hoped to avoid in the great passage of genes and traits from mom to daughter.

The one big trait.... I complain.  I complain a lot.  I have a tendency to be negative.  Expect the worst, anticipate disaster, plan for chaos.  And if it doesn't happen, I thrive on the analysis of What if?

The worst part of this is that this impacts my relationships with my family, both my siblings and my offspring.

It's way to easy to fall into the pattern of "I just need to vent to someone about this issue with a safe person" so, I vent (read: complain) about my DS to my mother (who thrives on drama / negative events) and then she takes my venting as a sign that things are NOT WELL with my DS and my relationship.  They aren't perfect, but we are daily working on it!  My mother in turn tells at least one of my sisters about the issue with the DS and I might also talk to the same sister on some other occasion and vent about some other issue with the DS and then the next thing you know, we end up here..... where at least two of my dear sisters have come to the conclusion that my DS is on the road to ruin, and I am driving him there myself.  They only EVER get the negative image because I don't spend enough time communicating the positive.

This is going to require a big change in my life.

I don't know how I will do it.

Actually, I do know how... though constant prayer and vigilance.  And by asking the Holy Spirit to pour out the grace of matrimony on me that has been sitting unrequested for the last 11 years.

So if I can't say anything nice, or if I can't say what I need to say nicely, then I am going to try to figure out how to either be silent, or fix my tone of voice and/or word choice.

Pray for me.  These habits have been a LONG TIME in formation - and new habits and ways will have to form in their place....

Thanks in advance for your prayers and well wishes.