I have learned something humbling and horrible today.
I have become my mother.
Not that my mother is a bad person, or a bad influence or anything really terrible, it's just that there are qualities of hers that I had hoped to avoid in the great passage of genes and traits from mom to daughter.
The one big trait.... I complain. I complain a lot. I have a tendency to be negative. Expect the worst, anticipate disaster, plan for chaos. And if it doesn't happen, I thrive on the analysis of What if?
The worst part of this is that this impacts my relationships with my family, both my siblings and my offspring.
It's way to easy to fall into the pattern of "I just need to vent to someone about this issue with a safe person" so, I vent (read: complain) about my DS to my mother (who thrives on drama / negative events) and then she takes my venting as a sign that things are NOT WELL with my DS and my relationship. They aren't perfect, but we are daily working on it! My mother in turn tells at least one of my sisters about the issue with the DS and I might also talk to the same sister on some other occasion and vent about some other issue with the DS and then the next thing you know, we end up here..... where at least two of my dear sisters have come to the conclusion that my DS is on the road to ruin, and I am driving him there myself. They only EVER get the negative image because I don't spend enough time communicating the positive.
This is going to require a big change in my life.
I don't know how I will do it.
Actually, I do know how... though constant prayer and vigilance. And by asking the Holy Spirit to pour out the grace of matrimony on me that has been sitting unrequested for the last 11 years.
So if I can't say anything nice, or if I can't say what I need to say nicely, then I am going to try to figure out how to either be silent, or fix my tone of voice and/or word choice.
Pray for me. These habits have been a LONG TIME in formation - and new habits and ways will have to form in their place....
Thanks in advance for your prayers and well wishes.
