So when I wrote Part I of this (November 2012) I was at the point of making a choice. And I did make a choice: to do nothing.
I have very successfully done nothing for all this time. Sure, I went to mass every Sunday (I still do) and I made it to daily mass many days/week and to adoration on Fridays.... But I was going through motions. I was praying, but not giving my heart to God.... I was talking, but not listening for very nearly a year.
As I did nothing, life swirled around me. And I began to no longer see myself as the protagonist in my own life story. Life was acting on me, I wasn't really acting in my life. And I was working hard to ignore the people around me who were calling me to accountability with myself.
And then it happened. I was called to task for being late. Not just once, but many times. Perhaps since November of 2012? Then, I identified that I was no longer swimming in deep spiritual water, and was kindly told that I was no longer in the swimming pool, I was standing on the deck, pondering the grill. Mostly, I laughed. But as I shared the story, the sting of reality began to get to me... And analysis of the situation began to become clear, not to me, but to another truth teller in my life.
Long and short of it... I need to pay attention to the blessings in my life and work on being grateful for what I have. I've spent too much time and energy complaining about what I am missing/lacking.
I've used so much time and energy complaining, I've become accustomed to complaining. Sometimes, the complaints are disguised as story telling, it can be quite amusing. And it HAS been amusing, otherwise I wouldn't do it. I have a basic understanding of why writers and comedians do what they do. It is satisfying to tell a story and get a response, any response. Perhaps that is why I write here... in the hopes of getting a response. Of course, I only have one follower......
As I have become more blind & deaf to hear the good things happening around me, prayer has become a burden. I've prayed, but it was words, I am sure it was not a two way conversation.... I told God what I wanted and I waited, but I didn't listen.
So what has changed? I've started a "gratitude journal". It's a short, one line a day of what I am thankful for. So far I have started it with, Today, I am thankful for......
And I have worked to listen at prayer... leading to tears, remorse and understanding. I am working on being patient with myself. I am working on listening to God. I am working on humbling myself and listening. I am working on loving the creation that God has given me in the being of myself.
The grace I have been given? The burden of prayer has been lifted once again.... I wake up, ready to pray the rosary. I may not pray it immediately, but it is happening (without the ipod / podcast) within the first few hours of the day. I am not complaining about having to take care of my family, my house, my dog.... I am beginning to recognize being needed as a grace. And that working for my family is a grace that I have been given. Is my house cleaner? Perhaps a little bit, maybe recognizable to others... Is the clutter gone? The mental clutter is being packed up, the physical clutter cannot be far behind.
The grace I have been given? Recalling St Francis exhortation to prayer.... Pray first thing in the morning and last thing at night. It is as if you are opening the blinds to let the sunshine in first thing in the morning, and closing the blinds tightly at night to keep out the darkness. And I am ready / willing to pray again...
The grace I have been given? Yesterday evening I wanted to go to mass and nearly didn't go because of activity at home.... then I realized I could get us to mass, or I could complain about not going (and be grumpy). I mobilized the activity at home and we MADE IT to mass.... and what I heard convicted me once again... the gospel reading talked about how the servant who knows the master's command and refuses will be beaten, while the servant who knows the masters command and follows may be beaten, but not as severely. Where have I been? Firmly in the not following directions camp.
So, even though I might be struggling with the idea of a gratitude journal as a crazy, way too simple idea, I am beginning to see the fruits of gratitude...
More to come later, I am sure.
Meanwhile, many thanks for your truth telling and patience.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Rejoice with Me
Last Friday and Saturday, I was blessed to be able to attend the Eucharistic Congress in Charlotte, NC. For more info, see here: http://www.goeucharist.com/
My DS attended the congress on Saturday, and was able to take in the children's track. Between the children's track and the AMAZING mass on Saturday evening, we were able to go shopping. Every year we seem to buy one more Rosary. How many is too many any way? The one he wanted was an beautiful gold filigree bead rosary from Italy. The one he got was a beautiful yellow light catching beaded rosary from Italy. One was $60, the one he got was considerably less.
But I lose sight of why I am rejoicing (not the saving money).....
So, now that he has a rosary that he likes, he asked if we could pray the rosary together every day on the way to school! On Monday, we made it through the beginning and the first two decades of joyful mysteries together. Tuesday, we forgot until we were lined up in the carpool line to jump out of the car (too late) . Today, we picked up where we left off (on joyful mysteries) and prayed the third decade together.
It just makes my heart smile.
I am going to enjoy this while I can, since going to Sunday school and mass are still a weekly point of struggle. We go, he struggles. Apparently, there are graces coming through that are greater than I can see or hear or sense on my own!
My DS attended the congress on Saturday, and was able to take in the children's track. Between the children's track and the AMAZING mass on Saturday evening, we were able to go shopping. Every year we seem to buy one more Rosary. How many is too many any way? The one he wanted was an beautiful gold filigree bead rosary from Italy. The one he got was a beautiful yellow light catching beaded rosary from Italy. One was $60, the one he got was considerably less.
But I lose sight of why I am rejoicing (not the saving money).....
So, now that he has a rosary that he likes, he asked if we could pray the rosary together every day on the way to school! On Monday, we made it through the beginning and the first two decades of joyful mysteries together. Tuesday, we forgot until we were lined up in the carpool line to jump out of the car (too late) . Today, we picked up where we left off (on joyful mysteries) and prayed the third decade together.
It just makes my heart smile.
I am going to enjoy this while I can, since going to Sunday school and mass are still a weekly point of struggle. We go, he struggles. Apparently, there are graces coming through that are greater than I can see or hear or sense on my own!
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Learning to Unlearn Crazy Making
I have learned something humbling and horrible today.
I have become my mother.
Not that my mother is a bad person, or a bad influence or anything really terrible, it's just that there are qualities of hers that I had hoped to avoid in the great passage of genes and traits from mom to daughter.
The one big trait.... I complain. I complain a lot. I have a tendency to be negative. Expect the worst, anticipate disaster, plan for chaos. And if it doesn't happen, I thrive on the analysis of What if?
The worst part of this is that this impacts my relationships with my family, both my siblings and my offspring.
It's way to easy to fall into the pattern of "I just need to vent to someone about this issue with a safe person" so, I vent (read: complain) about my DS to my mother (who thrives on drama / negative events) and then she takes my venting as a sign that things are NOT WELL with my DS and my relationship. They aren't perfect, but we are daily working on it! My mother in turn tells at least one of my sisters about the issue with the DS and I might also talk to the same sister on some other occasion and vent about some other issue with the DS and then the next thing you know, we end up here..... where at least two of my dear sisters have come to the conclusion that my DS is on the road to ruin, and I am driving him there myself. They only EVER get the negative image because I don't spend enough time communicating the positive.
This is going to require a big change in my life.
I don't know how I will do it.
Actually, I do know how... though constant prayer and vigilance. And by asking the Holy Spirit to pour out the grace of matrimony on me that has been sitting unrequested for the last 11 years.
So if I can't say anything nice, or if I can't say what I need to say nicely, then I am going to try to figure out how to either be silent, or fix my tone of voice and/or word choice.
Pray for me. These habits have been a LONG TIME in formation - and new habits and ways will have to form in their place....
Thanks in advance for your prayers and well wishes.
I have become my mother.
Not that my mother is a bad person, or a bad influence or anything really terrible, it's just that there are qualities of hers that I had hoped to avoid in the great passage of genes and traits from mom to daughter.
The one big trait.... I complain. I complain a lot. I have a tendency to be negative. Expect the worst, anticipate disaster, plan for chaos. And if it doesn't happen, I thrive on the analysis of What if?
The worst part of this is that this impacts my relationships with my family, both my siblings and my offspring.
It's way to easy to fall into the pattern of "I just need to vent to someone about this issue with a safe person" so, I vent (read: complain) about my DS to my mother (who thrives on drama / negative events) and then she takes my venting as a sign that things are NOT WELL with my DS and my relationship. They aren't perfect, but we are daily working on it! My mother in turn tells at least one of my sisters about the issue with the DS and I might also talk to the same sister on some other occasion and vent about some other issue with the DS and then the next thing you know, we end up here..... where at least two of my dear sisters have come to the conclusion that my DS is on the road to ruin, and I am driving him there myself. They only EVER get the negative image because I don't spend enough time communicating the positive.
This is going to require a big change in my life.
I don't know how I will do it.
Actually, I do know how... though constant prayer and vigilance. And by asking the Holy Spirit to pour out the grace of matrimony on me that has been sitting unrequested for the last 11 years.
So if I can't say anything nice, or if I can't say what I need to say nicely, then I am going to try to figure out how to either be silent, or fix my tone of voice and/or word choice.
Pray for me. These habits have been a LONG TIME in formation - and new habits and ways will have to form in their place....
Thanks in advance for your prayers and well wishes.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Me, only better
I have been having a debate with a dear friend of mine over time studies. Personal time studies.
Last spring (or maybe even last fall, I don't recall exactly when) I was charged (by Fr B.) to do a personal time study to figure out where my time was going. I was flummoxed by the process.
Really, the process is simple. Carry around a small notebook and pen/pencil and whenever a task changes, write down the time. Record what ACTUALLY happens. I attempted it, but rather than being a useful thing, I did it in quasi 20 minute intervals and I used my smartphone post-it note app to do the recording. There was way too much wiggle room and the recording was shoddy at best. I didn't learn much from the process. Other than I was frustrated by it, and I wasn't motivated to change anything.
Then I talked to Sandra.
She challenged me to do the same thing, only this time, carry around a paper and pen, and record it AS IT HAPPENS, not on an interval basis. And I told her of my earlier experience and lack of insight from it and she clued me in..... I was living with wasted time and I wasn't really doing anything about it. And that wasted time might in fact be what was draining me of the time I needed to get things done. By being un-conscious of how I was using my time, I was in fact being wasteful of its value..... By putting something off because it would take too much time, for example, I was spending time NOT doing what needed to be done and could (perhaps) be done rather quickly. I think this is probably a procrastinators' way of life, but that is another story for another day.
So, I picked up a notebook and started recording. Mind you, I haven't done the analysis yet. And Sandra challenged me to 1 day (24 hours). But after one day, I felt like the day I recorded wasn't 'typical' enough, so I recorded a second day. What I learned is that Sandra was right (and Fr B. was as well.... although Sandra is much more blunt.) There is time disappearing into the ethos that I hacven't been able to account for - when I get sucked into my computer, or my smart phone. Part of why the first attempt was unsuccessful was because it was being recorded electronically..... I need the physical demands of an actual object in my hand in order to become more time aware.
I also found that doing my own time study invoked the Hawthorne Effect. This effect is known to researchers who study human behavior - if the subject is aware of the study, he/she behaves differently. By becoming aware of having to record the activity, I had to choose if I wanted to DO the activity. I became accountable to myself. I chose to do the things I needed to do, not always the things I wanted to do. I chose to not engage in the electronic, mind numbing, quasi-addictive facebook checking at the point when I needed to be taking a shower and getting dressed and leaving the house on time. Sandra claims I cheated.
I claim insight and perhaps a small victory. The 48 hour time study changed my behavior for about one week. One week of less compulsive FB checking. One week of living in the present place and time, not the electronic one that so often sucks me in and consumes my freedom and my free time. The one that leaves me with a messy house because I didn't get up and MOVE away from the computer to get things done.
The other thing that happened was Fr B's admonition to not pick up the telephone, turn on the TV or do anything until after spending time in prayer, with the rosary. I have been generally successful for a week and a half. Today, I faltered, but I will pray during adoration at mid-day. I think it will be OK.
Is everything improved? No, but the problems are becoming more clearly identified, and thus easier to address.
The question becomes, what if everything is as it should be? It probably is. However, I know that if we are not evoloving and changing and learning from our current situations, we are not fully alive. So I refuse to remain stuck where I am.
Thanks Sandra and Fr B. for the patience and the insight. I am off to spend a day doing what needs to be done without fretting about it, without putting it off......
Last spring (or maybe even last fall, I don't recall exactly when) I was charged (by Fr B.) to do a personal time study to figure out where my time was going. I was flummoxed by the process.
Really, the process is simple. Carry around a small notebook and pen/pencil and whenever a task changes, write down the time. Record what ACTUALLY happens. I attempted it, but rather than being a useful thing, I did it in quasi 20 minute intervals and I used my smartphone post-it note app to do the recording. There was way too much wiggle room and the recording was shoddy at best. I didn't learn much from the process. Other than I was frustrated by it, and I wasn't motivated to change anything.
Then I talked to Sandra.
She challenged me to do the same thing, only this time, carry around a paper and pen, and record it AS IT HAPPENS, not on an interval basis. And I told her of my earlier experience and lack of insight from it and she clued me in..... I was living with wasted time and I wasn't really doing anything about it. And that wasted time might in fact be what was draining me of the time I needed to get things done. By being un-conscious of how I was using my time, I was in fact being wasteful of its value..... By putting something off because it would take too much time, for example, I was spending time NOT doing what needed to be done and could (perhaps) be done rather quickly. I think this is probably a procrastinators' way of life, but that is another story for another day.
So, I picked up a notebook and started recording. Mind you, I haven't done the analysis yet. And Sandra challenged me to 1 day (24 hours). But after one day, I felt like the day I recorded wasn't 'typical' enough, so I recorded a second day. What I learned is that Sandra was right (and Fr B. was as well.... although Sandra is much more blunt.) There is time disappearing into the ethos that I hacven't been able to account for - when I get sucked into my computer, or my smart phone. Part of why the first attempt was unsuccessful was because it was being recorded electronically..... I need the physical demands of an actual object in my hand in order to become more time aware.
I also found that doing my own time study invoked the Hawthorne Effect. This effect is known to researchers who study human behavior - if the subject is aware of the study, he/she behaves differently. By becoming aware of having to record the activity, I had to choose if I wanted to DO the activity. I became accountable to myself. I chose to do the things I needed to do, not always the things I wanted to do. I chose to not engage in the electronic, mind numbing, quasi-addictive facebook checking at the point when I needed to be taking a shower and getting dressed and leaving the house on time. Sandra claims I cheated.
I claim insight and perhaps a small victory. The 48 hour time study changed my behavior for about one week. One week of less compulsive FB checking. One week of living in the present place and time, not the electronic one that so often sucks me in and consumes my freedom and my free time. The one that leaves me with a messy house because I didn't get up and MOVE away from the computer to get things done.
The other thing that happened was Fr B's admonition to not pick up the telephone, turn on the TV or do anything until after spending time in prayer, with the rosary. I have been generally successful for a week and a half. Today, I faltered, but I will pray during adoration at mid-day. I think it will be OK.
Is everything improved? No, but the problems are becoming more clearly identified, and thus easier to address.
The question becomes, what if everything is as it should be? It probably is. However, I know that if we are not evoloving and changing and learning from our current situations, we are not fully alive. So I refuse to remain stuck where I am.
Thanks Sandra and Fr B. for the patience and the insight. I am off to spend a day doing what needs to be done without fretting about it, without putting it off......
Thursday, November 29, 2012
A Choice not an Assignment
First some background, over the last few months I have been struggling with tasks that are in my daily life. Some of the tasks are the mundane, ordinary stuff of life - doing laundry, washing dishes, cooking, exercise.
One task of particular struggle and self-wrestling has been prayer.
It is odd, really. I have never particularly thought I was "good" at prayer. I pray. It just is. I go to mass as often as I can and rejoice at times when I can get to daily mass on a daily basis. One of the reasons I love that Paul goes to school is that I can then get to daily mass right after I drop him off (assuming we are ON TIME / early to drop off). So far, for kindergarten and first grade, this has been true. I have been a fan of daily mass since I was 12. When I was 12, we lived within walking distance of the base chapel and there was a daily mass. Monday through Friday, I would go to the library to volunteer in the morning and then get off from that and walk to the chapel for mass before going home for lunch. It was cool. I was the only non-adult in the chapel.
I have had a devotion to the rosary even farther back than that. I started praying the rosary probably about the time of first communion. I remember they taught us the rosary during second grade, and there was a beautiful little statue of the BVM that was shared in the class - everyone got to take it home for a week.... except for me - I got it for two weeks because I "forgot" to bring it back. Oops.... and I wasn't even holding the BVM hostage for some great grace! When I was in my late 20's, I was praying the rosary on a regular basis when I was travelling - something comforting about holding Mary's hand when you take off in an airplane..... And I had a dear friend who was becoming a priest who asked me to pray for him, and then I was praying the rosary and one thing and another and I started praying the rosary intentionally for priests. One priest for each Hail Mary. I started a list. It turns out I knew many priests. More priests than I thought I knew. "The list" has the priests I've known, some I've known of, some I have been asked to pray for. Some priests I don't pray for by name - if I didn't get the name when I went someplace, then the place becomes the intention - ie For That Priest we met when we went to Pittsburgh....
The desire to pray the rosary has ebbed and flowed. I guess that is also part of life. And occasionally, the rosary has become a gift that I give - for example when Fr John Wall celebrated his 50th anniversary of ordination, I prayed the rosary specifically for him, for 50 days.
The thing is, I just prayed. No one told me to do it. I just did it. Well, I take that back.... the summer before my sister Mary was born, my family prayed the rosary together every night after dinner. Monday through Friday ... I don't recall weekends, but we probably did... And there was no grumbling allowed. We ALL prayed it. Together. That's how I learned the Memorare and the Hail Holy Queen..... So perhaps my parents made me do it. But then that summer was over, Mary was born, my mom's job changed, my dads' job changed and we never got back to it. But I had been hooked - I carried a rosary around with me pretty frequently. I thought about praying it. I did pray it on occasion on the way to mass, or before mass started if we somehow managed to get there early. I went to college with a devotion to the BVM.... when a rosary group started, I was there more often than not....
Back to the late 20's/early 30's.... I promised myself that I would try to pray the rosary every day. I would make an earnest effort. And generally, I am not sure how well I did, but I know that I still have the list, I still pray for priests. I pray the rosary more often than I don't. I think.
And then dad died.
I did pray the rosary through his hospitalization and death and burial. I prayed it at his bedside. I prayed it with my sisters.
And then he was gone.
And grief has done strange things to me. I suppose it is a normal experience to realize that everything has changed. And yet, nothing is different.
Going to mass became a grace filled moment, but all the energy in me drained out of my toes and I just felt tired. Was I resting in God's presence? I can only hope so. Reading daily mass readings - out the window. Praying the rosary - meh. Praying anything with any frequency - not really.
Enter Fr B. who asked me what I would do, and I responded that I didn't know.... and so he charged me with praying the rosary. Daily. period. And to report back to him how I did (he kept me accountable to myself and to him as my spiritual director).
OK.
So I did. Mostly. But I worked it into my life. It wasn't a priority, it was a TO DO. It was an assignment. Some days better than others - I particularly liked running and praying the rosary at the same time.... I felt like dad was with me - along with all the angels and saints, cheering me on.
And after seven months, I am still more successful than not, but struggling with HOW I am praying it. I have shifted from praying it quietly by myself to listening to a pod-cast and praying along. Sometimes I remember priests on each Hail Mary, sometimes I just listen to the pod cast. And I have lost the desire to pray it. Sort of. Those words seem harsh. But I have lost something.....
And so I was charged to pray the first decade by myself before turning on the podcast or doing anything. But that was harder - because I couldn't bring myself to not be up and about, I just chose NOT to do it.
And then this week, I was charged not only with praying it daily, but with praying it FIRST. Before the rest of the day begins. And praying it without distraction. Don't move. Don't cook breakfast / wash dishes or do anything else. For one week.
Really?
Really.
And I am, but in my own way... still using the pod cast, still getting up and making breakfast and washing dishes and packing lunch.
And I am kicking and screaming (mentally) all the way.
Then it hit me this morning.... I thought back to Fr John Wall and the days of campus ministry.... He once advised me to not do anything unless I wanted to do it AND I was doing it because I loved God. Just stop. Period. Once I "quit" campus ministry (it lasted about 24hrs) I was able to shift from feeling like I had been assigned to do something to feeling like I had chosen to do it. And I did more.
I want to write that I am going to quit praying the rosary, but I cannot in good consciene bring myself to say those words and mean it. But mentally, that is what I am doing. I am going to quit because it has been assigned to me and I am refusing the assignment. And then I am going to think about it, pray about it and make the choice. To pray. With a better attitude.
What have I learned out of all of this kicking and screaming?
1. God is patient.
2. He doesn't want us to come kicking and screaming. He wants us to freely choose to follow Him. He will wait for us to get our heads and hearts in order.
3. My house is much like my prayer life. I think I already knew this.... when my prayer life / interior life is in order, the rest of my life seems to follow suit. But here is the crux of the whole issue - is what I am doing a CHOICE or an ASSIGNMENT? Am I choosing to do what needs to be done because I know it is what needs to be done and I do it out of love, or am I feeling like it is an assignment and I am balking at it (ie "You - go clean your room/clear the table/do laundry/do whatever needs to be done) and I do it but unwillingly.
4. Fr B. is giving me the assignment out of love, knowing already that if I get my interior life in order, my exterior will follow suit...
So I am off to continue the struggle. I suppose that is the other part of this equation - if we are no longer struggling, we are no longer alive.
And lest you think I am only complaining and not seeing any good come of this - one of the things that Fr B. required of me to put down during the rosary was my smart phone. One of the BEST directions I could have been given. Truly, listening to / praying along with a pod-cast and checking email/FB at the same time is NOT productive in any stretch of the imagination.
Now to pray the rosary FIRST. Before moving, before doing anything else. Can I? Will I? I'll report back later.
P.S. Many thanks go to Sandra G. for helping me hash all of this out. Your insight and friendship is an incredible gift and I am so thankful that we are friends.
Thanks also to Fr B. for being patient.
One task of particular struggle and self-wrestling has been prayer.
It is odd, really. I have never particularly thought I was "good" at prayer. I pray. It just is. I go to mass as often as I can and rejoice at times when I can get to daily mass on a daily basis. One of the reasons I love that Paul goes to school is that I can then get to daily mass right after I drop him off (assuming we are ON TIME / early to drop off). So far, for kindergarten and first grade, this has been true. I have been a fan of daily mass since I was 12. When I was 12, we lived within walking distance of the base chapel and there was a daily mass. Monday through Friday, I would go to the library to volunteer in the morning and then get off from that and walk to the chapel for mass before going home for lunch. It was cool. I was the only non-adult in the chapel.
I have had a devotion to the rosary even farther back than that. I started praying the rosary probably about the time of first communion. I remember they taught us the rosary during second grade, and there was a beautiful little statue of the BVM that was shared in the class - everyone got to take it home for a week.... except for me - I got it for two weeks because I "forgot" to bring it back. Oops.... and I wasn't even holding the BVM hostage for some great grace! When I was in my late 20's, I was praying the rosary on a regular basis when I was travelling - something comforting about holding Mary's hand when you take off in an airplane..... And I had a dear friend who was becoming a priest who asked me to pray for him, and then I was praying the rosary and one thing and another and I started praying the rosary intentionally for priests. One priest for each Hail Mary. I started a list. It turns out I knew many priests. More priests than I thought I knew. "The list" has the priests I've known, some I've known of, some I have been asked to pray for. Some priests I don't pray for by name - if I didn't get the name when I went someplace, then the place becomes the intention - ie For That Priest we met when we went to Pittsburgh....
The desire to pray the rosary has ebbed and flowed. I guess that is also part of life. And occasionally, the rosary has become a gift that I give - for example when Fr John Wall celebrated his 50th anniversary of ordination, I prayed the rosary specifically for him, for 50 days.
The thing is, I just prayed. No one told me to do it. I just did it. Well, I take that back.... the summer before my sister Mary was born, my family prayed the rosary together every night after dinner. Monday through Friday ... I don't recall weekends, but we probably did... And there was no grumbling allowed. We ALL prayed it. Together. That's how I learned the Memorare and the Hail Holy Queen..... So perhaps my parents made me do it. But then that summer was over, Mary was born, my mom's job changed, my dads' job changed and we never got back to it. But I had been hooked - I carried a rosary around with me pretty frequently. I thought about praying it. I did pray it on occasion on the way to mass, or before mass started if we somehow managed to get there early. I went to college with a devotion to the BVM.... when a rosary group started, I was there more often than not....
Back to the late 20's/early 30's.... I promised myself that I would try to pray the rosary every day. I would make an earnest effort. And generally, I am not sure how well I did, but I know that I still have the list, I still pray for priests. I pray the rosary more often than I don't. I think.
And then dad died.
I did pray the rosary through his hospitalization and death and burial. I prayed it at his bedside. I prayed it with my sisters.
And then he was gone.
And grief has done strange things to me. I suppose it is a normal experience to realize that everything has changed. And yet, nothing is different.
Going to mass became a grace filled moment, but all the energy in me drained out of my toes and I just felt tired. Was I resting in God's presence? I can only hope so. Reading daily mass readings - out the window. Praying the rosary - meh. Praying anything with any frequency - not really.
Enter Fr B. who asked me what I would do, and I responded that I didn't know.... and so he charged me with praying the rosary. Daily. period. And to report back to him how I did (he kept me accountable to myself and to him as my spiritual director).
OK.
So I did. Mostly. But I worked it into my life. It wasn't a priority, it was a TO DO. It was an assignment. Some days better than others - I particularly liked running and praying the rosary at the same time.... I felt like dad was with me - along with all the angels and saints, cheering me on.
And after seven months, I am still more successful than not, but struggling with HOW I am praying it. I have shifted from praying it quietly by myself to listening to a pod-cast and praying along. Sometimes I remember priests on each Hail Mary, sometimes I just listen to the pod cast. And I have lost the desire to pray it. Sort of. Those words seem harsh. But I have lost something.....
And so I was charged to pray the first decade by myself before turning on the podcast or doing anything. But that was harder - because I couldn't bring myself to not be up and about, I just chose NOT to do it.
And then this week, I was charged not only with praying it daily, but with praying it FIRST. Before the rest of the day begins. And praying it without distraction. Don't move. Don't cook breakfast / wash dishes or do anything else. For one week.
Really?
Really.
And I am, but in my own way... still using the pod cast, still getting up and making breakfast and washing dishes and packing lunch.
And I am kicking and screaming (mentally) all the way.
Then it hit me this morning.... I thought back to Fr John Wall and the days of campus ministry.... He once advised me to not do anything unless I wanted to do it AND I was doing it because I loved God. Just stop. Period. Once I "quit" campus ministry (it lasted about 24hrs) I was able to shift from feeling like I had been assigned to do something to feeling like I had chosen to do it. And I did more.
I want to write that I am going to quit praying the rosary, but I cannot in good consciene bring myself to say those words and mean it. But mentally, that is what I am doing. I am going to quit because it has been assigned to me and I am refusing the assignment. And then I am going to think about it, pray about it and make the choice. To pray. With a better attitude.
What have I learned out of all of this kicking and screaming?
1. God is patient.
2. He doesn't want us to come kicking and screaming. He wants us to freely choose to follow Him. He will wait for us to get our heads and hearts in order.
3. My house is much like my prayer life. I think I already knew this.... when my prayer life / interior life is in order, the rest of my life seems to follow suit. But here is the crux of the whole issue - is what I am doing a CHOICE or an ASSIGNMENT? Am I choosing to do what needs to be done because I know it is what needs to be done and I do it out of love, or am I feeling like it is an assignment and I am balking at it (ie "You - go clean your room/clear the table/do laundry/do whatever needs to be done) and I do it but unwillingly.
4. Fr B. is giving me the assignment out of love, knowing already that if I get my interior life in order, my exterior will follow suit...
So I am off to continue the struggle. I suppose that is the other part of this equation - if we are no longer struggling, we are no longer alive.
And lest you think I am only complaining and not seeing any good come of this - one of the things that Fr B. required of me to put down during the rosary was my smart phone. One of the BEST directions I could have been given. Truly, listening to / praying along with a pod-cast and checking email/FB at the same time is NOT productive in any stretch of the imagination.
Now to pray the rosary FIRST. Before moving, before doing anything else. Can I? Will I? I'll report back later.
P.S. Many thanks go to Sandra G. for helping me hash all of this out. Your insight and friendship is an incredible gift and I am so thankful that we are friends.
Thanks also to Fr B. for being patient.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Pondering
I just read a great post about distraction generated by the electronic life we so often lead. I read it here:
http://www.shovedtothem.blogspot.com/
I know the post was about her children expericening instant messages during the school day, but I really related to it. I cannot imagine how I would function if I had a smart phone near me when I was in school. I know, I had a phone when I was in nursing school, but I always had it turned off during class (how TERRIFIED I was of it ringing during a lecture!) But now, my smart phone has practically become a personal appendage! I cringe when I have to leave it in my locker at work. I fret when I leave it at home by accident. And the people who love me, who know I am accessable at any hour, positively freak out if my phone battery dies and I cannot be reached. It is odd, that not so long ago, a phone number was associated with a location, ie home or work, now it is associated with a PERSON, and we wonder at what age a person NEEDS to have a phone at his/her disposal.
Not wanting to confess my electronic addiction online (would that even make any sense?) I will just say that I am pretty sure I am way to connected to my cell phone and if I had any courage at all, I would limit its use. I am lacking that courage. It is way too easy to use my phone for facebook, skype, email and instant messaging. I don't text and drive, although I have been known to check FB at red lights, google traffic conditions while stuck in traffic jams, and talk on the cellphone without a blue-tooth device. I suppose I should get a bluetooth, but then I think I would ALWAYS talk on the phone.
In my defense, I will say that my cell phone has never kept me out of mass.... I had a dear friend who quit going to Sunday mass for a time because he couldn't bear to part with his beloved blackberry for the hour of mass! Aye Carumba!
I do think though that I need to impose usage hours on my smart phone though - I suspect I might get more done and be less distracted doing it! If I succeed, I will be sure to write about it.
S
http://www.shovedtothem.blogspot.com/
I know the post was about her children expericening instant messages during the school day, but I really related to it. I cannot imagine how I would function if I had a smart phone near me when I was in school. I know, I had a phone when I was in nursing school, but I always had it turned off during class (how TERRIFIED I was of it ringing during a lecture!) But now, my smart phone has practically become a personal appendage! I cringe when I have to leave it in my locker at work. I fret when I leave it at home by accident. And the people who love me, who know I am accessable at any hour, positively freak out if my phone battery dies and I cannot be reached. It is odd, that not so long ago, a phone number was associated with a location, ie home or work, now it is associated with a PERSON, and we wonder at what age a person NEEDS to have a phone at his/her disposal.
Not wanting to confess my electronic addiction online (would that even make any sense?) I will just say that I am pretty sure I am way to connected to my cell phone and if I had any courage at all, I would limit its use. I am lacking that courage. It is way too easy to use my phone for facebook, skype, email and instant messaging. I don't text and drive, although I have been known to check FB at red lights, google traffic conditions while stuck in traffic jams, and talk on the cellphone without a blue-tooth device. I suppose I should get a bluetooth, but then I think I would ALWAYS talk on the phone.
In my defense, I will say that my cell phone has never kept me out of mass.... I had a dear friend who quit going to Sunday mass for a time because he couldn't bear to part with his beloved blackberry for the hour of mass! Aye Carumba!
I do think though that I need to impose usage hours on my smart phone though - I suspect I might get more done and be less distracted doing it! If I succeed, I will be sure to write about it.
S
Friday, August 3, 2012
Where did July go?
I really thought I would write more in July, but the month has already gone and I did get my fingers to connect to the key board once!
So where did the month go?
The week of July 4th I was home with Paul. Our babysitter was on vacation and Mark had to work, so I was home. It was a quiet week. We enjoyed the fireworks in Gastonia. We were going to go to a baseball game, but it was ridiculously hot.
On July 7th, Paul and I travelled to NYC to visit the Welsh family and for Paul to attend summer camp with Miriam at the NY Botanical Garden. We were there for 10 days. Paul and Miriam had a great time at the gardens - I enjoyed hanging out with Cyprian during the day with Mary and John in the evenings. It was hot. And the Welsh apartment lacks central air. It was really hot.
Highlights of the trip for me: seeing the Monet exhibit at the NYBG, and taking Paul and Miriam into the city to see the Today Show and the Lego Store and FAO Schwartz. We had a super time together. I was glad to have Kate with me when traveling around with the kids on the train. I would have been fine on my own, but it was nice to have another adult with me who knows her way around, at least a little more than I do.
I have taken Paul contra dancing. Twice. And now, Paul admits that contra dancing is more fun than the Wii or the DS! He asked how many times he would have to dance in order to be an expert like me.....perhaps three more times? I told him it would take probably 50 more dances. I think we will have that within the next two years! We might have to dance on monday nights during the school year - the exercise and social development are so good for him.... if we can just wake up on time on Tuesdays, we will be fine.
Yesterday, Aug 2, Paul and I went to the National Whitewater Center. We had the most fun, ever. We went on a ropes course. It scared the begeebers out of him, poor guy. But we made it through the course. Then we climbed up to a platform to zip. Only we didn't zip. We had to climb back down. Too frightening to the short one. We then went to a less intense zip line, only Paul wouldn't zip. I DID zip, and I began to wonder if I had made a mistake bringing him out for the day. We changed course and went down to the Catawba river and rode on a flat paddle board boat. Paul rode on the front of the boat and dangled his feet in the water. The previous scary-ness of the ropes course and zip failures left him skittish. He was almost ready to go home but then something amazing happened... I stood up on the boat and he freaked out about the rocking of the boat. Then I started paddling and he realized I could control the boat... he calmed down. Then I gave someone else directions on how to stand and paddle her boat... and he realized I might know what I was doing and he asked if HE could paddle our boat. So I sat back down without flipping our boat over and he stood up and took the paddle.... a smile spread across his face and all of his fears melted into the Catawba River.... after 45 minutes on the water, he sounded like an old salt who had been on a boat his entire life. And he had resolved to go back up to the Canyon zipline (the less intense one) and try again.
So we did. And he LOVED it! We zipped across it twice before heading over to the Eco-trek office to get a GPS and trek around the whitewater center searching for set points on the GPS - there were 11 points around the park - it took us about an hour and we found them all.
At the end of this, we were ready to go home. Did I mention that it was 90 something F? I reversed my promise to never go to Sonic again and stopped there on the way home to get icy cold drinks.... It was drink one or pass out, so I chose to drink a cold drink!
All in all it was a GREAT day.
Today has been much less exciting, but quietly ordinary.
I think I will run tomorrow. Just because I can. I hope my time is better than last year's.
Summer is quickly fading - we have less than 20 days before school starts!
So where did the month go?
The week of July 4th I was home with Paul. Our babysitter was on vacation and Mark had to work, so I was home. It was a quiet week. We enjoyed the fireworks in Gastonia. We were going to go to a baseball game, but it was ridiculously hot.
On July 7th, Paul and I travelled to NYC to visit the Welsh family and for Paul to attend summer camp with Miriam at the NY Botanical Garden. We were there for 10 days. Paul and Miriam had a great time at the gardens - I enjoyed hanging out with Cyprian during the day with Mary and John in the evenings. It was hot. And the Welsh apartment lacks central air. It was really hot.
Highlights of the trip for me: seeing the Monet exhibit at the NYBG, and taking Paul and Miriam into the city to see the Today Show and the Lego Store and FAO Schwartz. We had a super time together. I was glad to have Kate with me when traveling around with the kids on the train. I would have been fine on my own, but it was nice to have another adult with me who knows her way around, at least a little more than I do.
I have taken Paul contra dancing. Twice. And now, Paul admits that contra dancing is more fun than the Wii or the DS! He asked how many times he would have to dance in order to be an expert like me.....perhaps three more times? I told him it would take probably 50 more dances. I think we will have that within the next two years! We might have to dance on monday nights during the school year - the exercise and social development are so good for him.... if we can just wake up on time on Tuesdays, we will be fine.
Yesterday, Aug 2, Paul and I went to the National Whitewater Center. We had the most fun, ever. We went on a ropes course. It scared the begeebers out of him, poor guy. But we made it through the course. Then we climbed up to a platform to zip. Only we didn't zip. We had to climb back down. Too frightening to the short one. We then went to a less intense zip line, only Paul wouldn't zip. I DID zip, and I began to wonder if I had made a mistake bringing him out for the day. We changed course and went down to the Catawba river and rode on a flat paddle board boat. Paul rode on the front of the boat and dangled his feet in the water. The previous scary-ness of the ropes course and zip failures left him skittish. He was almost ready to go home but then something amazing happened... I stood up on the boat and he freaked out about the rocking of the boat. Then I started paddling and he realized I could control the boat... he calmed down. Then I gave someone else directions on how to stand and paddle her boat... and he realized I might know what I was doing and he asked if HE could paddle our boat. So I sat back down without flipping our boat over and he stood up and took the paddle.... a smile spread across his face and all of his fears melted into the Catawba River.... after 45 minutes on the water, he sounded like an old salt who had been on a boat his entire life. And he had resolved to go back up to the Canyon zipline (the less intense one) and try again.
So we did. And he LOVED it! We zipped across it twice before heading over to the Eco-trek office to get a GPS and trek around the whitewater center searching for set points on the GPS - there were 11 points around the park - it took us about an hour and we found them all.
At the end of this, we were ready to go home. Did I mention that it was 90 something F? I reversed my promise to never go to Sonic again and stopped there on the way home to get icy cold drinks.... It was drink one or pass out, so I chose to drink a cold drink!
All in all it was a GREAT day.
Today has been much less exciting, but quietly ordinary.
I think I will run tomorrow. Just because I can. I hope my time is better than last year's.
Summer is quickly fading - we have less than 20 days before school starts!
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